Kev and I have begun a teaching at our church on Sunday nights, and we thought for those that want the notes and were unable to attend, we will post them after each message.L&R is a message discovered by Dr Emerson Eggerichs after 25 years of counseling, ministerial and pastoring experience with couples, God led him to a verse that changed the way in which he understood the basic commandment for marriage.
Over the next four weeks we will be taking you through an extreme crash course in his book.
Is this teaching for you?
- Are you feeling overwhelmed by simple misunderstandings?
- Do you find yourself reacting on opposition to your hearts deepest need for love?
- Do you often feel crushed, misjudged and disliked by your spouse or those close to you?
- Are you prone to cyclical arguments and misunderstandings?
If any of these Q’s resonate with you then this teaching will bless you greatly.
It’s for men and women of any demographic, age and stage and position in life. Whether you in a daughter/father relationship, husband/wife, mother/son, boss/employee, brother and sister – the revelation of this message will empower you to empower others, understanding their God-given need for L&R.
The Biblical Secret
Ephesians 5:33 “Each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband”. (NIV)
This is the key to any male and female relationship. Whether you are married or not this scripture covers the primary needs in both men and women.
Ideally this scripture is talking about unconditional love and respect, when Paul wrote this he uses the word ‘agape’ for love. It is command for both sexes to unconditionally love and respect regardless of the lack or abundance of respect or love from the other person.
The Crazy Cycle
In a perfect world we would all be able to follow the biblical commands God gave us, however God knew this would not be the case, as he stated in 1 Corinthians 7:28 “…But those who marry will face many troubles in life…”
This scripture rings true for many of us. And Emerson describes at this: The Crazy Cycle. See diagram at back of handout.
When a man feels disrespected it is especially hard for him to love his wife.
When a woman feels unloved it is especially hard for her to respect her husband.
For a man, when he feels disrespected his natural tendencies are to react in ways that feel unloving toward his wife/woman.
For a woman when she feels unloved, it is her natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband/man.
(Perhaps the command to love and respect was given to us for this very reason!)
Many wives feel their husband is insensitive. While husbands feel criticized.
The Trigger is the Crazy Cycle. Read diagram. We trigger each other.
The perfect flow of this command is daily under stress in many relationships and under threat of being strained and broken by the Crazy Cycle.
*This cycle keeps spinning when only the superficial needs are addressed and not the deep needs. When you finally realize that the other person isn’t trying to be unloving/disrespectful but is just feeling the needs for love and respect, you are on your way to beating the Crazy Cycle.
Air hose Analogy
When the other person steps on your air hose you react so they will get off it or try to get our needs met.
Understanding The Dynamics
Wives, we don’t want to hear any of you quip: “I’ll show unconditional respect when he shows me unconditional love!”
In 1Peter 3:1-2 he commands, “they (husbands) may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives,
2When they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him--to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”
Peter’s instruction is for wives to not necessarily feel respect toward their husband to show respect.
As Peter comments, having reverence for your husband, respect for him is a way of winning him to the Lord.
Ladies, remember this is an instruction to respect as unto the Lord, regardless of whether or not you feel your husband or the men in your life deserve it.
Men don’t doubt that their wives or women in their life love them, it’s the uncertainty of respect toward him that creates the gap.
No man feels affection for a woman that has contempt, disrespect for who he is as a human being.
There are three reasons why unconditional respect is difficult to grasp:
- Our interpretation: Man Talk vs Women Talk.
- Unfortunate behavior of men toward women
- Cultural mindsets – what we are taught. The church has a huge message of unconditional love, but what about unconditional respect?
Firstly lets look at Interpretation or Communication.
As Emerson describes, we speak in CODE.
Men have blue glasses and blue hearing aids. Women have pink glasses and pink hearing aids. What is seen and heard goes through the code of gender.
We see and hear things out of our own needs and perceptions.
E.g. “I have nothing to wear.”
This translates in BLUE: “I have nothing clean.”
This translates in PINK: “I have nothing new.”
Love is a woman’s mother tongue. E.g. The greeting card industry is geared toward and held afloat by women. Love this, love that, cuddly, warm affections. Show me a greeting card that is rough like sandpaper, smells like wood and oil and says I respect you. That’s right, not out there.
Women long to be cherished as a princess, to be first in importance to a man.
She yearns to be honoured and valued as a precious equal.
Respect is a man’s deepest God-given value. E.g. A survey was done to ask men if had to choose what would be their doom;
A) to be left alone unloved in the world
B) to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone
74% of men chose the A.
Men are geared to hear the command 1 Samuel 4:9“ Take courage…be men and fight!”
e.g. The Military Service uses unconditional respect and honor to call men up to serve. Men are created in such a way that they are willing to die for their women and children and brothers.
What Men and Women Fear Most
| Men | Women |
| Fear of being held in contempt, disliked for who they are as a person. | Fear of being a doormat, unloved, especially if she chooses unconditional respect. |
When the cycle triggers our fears, we may snap into our defenses of being critical or stonewalling our partner.
Here is how it translates:
Men hear criticism as contempt.
Women feel silence as hostility.
Who Makes the first move? Yes!
Does it matter, no. Don’t wait around for the other person. You make the change you are empowered.
Unconditional Respect has an ultimate goal: to get your husband to love you more.
Unconditional Love maybe difficult, but what better way to show the love of Christ to your wife.
The Golden Rule
“Women should respect men they way they want to be loved and men should love women they way they want to be respected. “
Remember to ask yourselves:
“Is what I’m about to say going to sound disrespectful/unloving?”
If you can see each other as an ally not an enemy you will win the war of the Crazy cycle.
This is NOT a tool to use against your spouse/friend/parent.
L&R is not about ‘feeling it’. It’s about standing on the truth of the scripture.
Obeying God’s word enables men and women to be powerful not powerless (in Christ.) We have an obligation to God’s word to move toward each other in unconditional love and respect in even amidst opposition.
How To Communicate L&R:
“That felt___________________________. Did I just come across as ___________________. Do need Love/Respect right now?”
Ideas:
Wives: Write your husband a letter about how much you respect him.
Men: In the midst of a conflict or moment where you feel disrespected, just hold her. Stop trying to make your point (earn her respect) and just hold her already!
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