Love and Respect: Part One

Kev and I have begun a teaching at our church on Sunday nights, and we thought for those that want the notes and were unable to attend, we will post them after each message.

Be blessed!

L&R is a message discovered by Dr Emerson Eggerichs after 25 years of counseling, ministerial and pastoring experience with couples, God led him to a verse that changed the way in which he understood the basic commandment for marriage.

Over the next four weeks we will be taking you through an extreme crash course in his book.

Is this teaching for you?

• Are you feeling overwhelmed by simple misunderstandings?
• Do you find yourself reacting on opposition to your hearts deepest need for love?
• Do you often feel crushed, misjudged and disliked by your spouse or those close to you?
• Are you prone to cyclical arguments and misunderstandings?

If any of these Q’s resonate with you then this teaching will bless you greatly.

It’s for men and women of any demographic, age and stage and position in life. Whether you in a daughter/father relationship, husband/wife, mother/son, boss/employee, brother and sister – the revelation of this message will empower you to empower others, understanding their God-given need for L&R.

The Biblical Secret

Ephesians 5:33 “Each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband”. (NIV)

This is the key to any male and female relationship. Whether you are married or not this scripture covers the primary needs in both men and women.

Ideally this scripture is talking about unconditional love and respect, when Paul wrote this he uses the word ‘agape’ for love. It is command for both sexes to unconditionally love and respect regardless of the lack or abundance of respect or love from the other person.

The Crazy Cycle

In a perfect world we would all be able to follow the biblical commands God gave us, however God knew this would not be the case, as he stated in 1 Corinthians 7:28 “…But those who marry will face many troubles in life…”

This scripture rings true for many of us. And Emerson describes at this: The Crazy Cycle. See diagram at back of handout.

When a man feels disrespected it is especially hard for him to love his wife.

When a woman feels unloved it is especially hard for her to respect her husband.

For a man, when he feels disrespected his natural tendencies are to react in ways that feel unloving toward his wife/woman.

For a woman when she feels unloved, it is her natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband/man.

(Perhaps the command to love and respect was given to us for this very reason!)

Many wives feel their husband is insensitive. While husbands feel criticized.

The Trigger is the Crazy Cycle. Read diagram. We trigger each other.

The perfect flow of this command is daily under stress in many relationships and under threat of being strained and broken by the Crazy Cycle.

*This cycle keeps spinning when only the superficial needs are addressed and not the deep needs. When you finally realize that the other person isn’t trying to be unloving/disrespectful but is just feeling the needs for love and respect, you are on your way to beating the Crazy Cycle.

Air hose Analogy

When the other person steps on your air hose you react so they will get off it or try to get our needs met.

Understanding The Dynamics

Wives, we don’t want to hear any of you quip: “I’ll show unconditional respect when he shows me unconditional love!”

In 1Peter 3:1-2 he commands, “they (husbands) may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives,

2When they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him--to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”

Peter’s instruction is for wives to not necessarily feel respect toward their husband to show respect.

As Peter comments, having reverence for your husband, respect for him is a way of winning him to the Lord.

Ladies, remember this is an instruction to respect as unto the Lord, regardless of whether or not you feel your husband or the men in your life deserve it.

Men don’t doubt that their wives or women in their life love them, it’s the uncertainty of respect toward him that creates the gap.

No man feels affection for a woman that has contempt, disrespect for who he is as a human being.

There are three reasons why unconditional respect is difficult to grasp:

1. Our interpretation: Man Talk vs Women Talk.
2. Unfortunate behavior of men toward women
3. Cultural mindsets – what we are taught. The church has a huge message of unconditional love, but what about unconditional respect?

Firstly lets look at Interpretation or Communication.

As Emerson describes, we speak in CODE.

Men have blue glasses and blue hearing aids. Women have pink glasses and pink hearing aids. What is seen and heard goes through the code of gender.

We see and hear things out of our own needs and perceptions.

E.g. “I have nothing to wear.”

This translates in BLUE: “I have nothing clean.”

This translates in PINK: “I have nothing new.”

Love is a woman’s mother tongue. E.g. The greeting card industry is geared toward and held afloat by women. Love this, love that, cuddly, warm affections. Show me a greeting card that is rough like sandpaper, smells like wood and oil and says I respect you. That’s right, not out there.

Women long to be cherished as a princess, to be first in importance to a man.

She yearns to be honoured and valued as a precious equal.

Respect is a man’s deepest God-given value. E.g. A survey was done to ask men if had to choose what would be their doom;

A) to be left alone unloved in the world

B) to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone

74% of men chose the A.

Men are geared to hear the command 1 Samuel 4:9“ Take courage…be men and fight!”

e.g. The Military Service uses unconditional respect and honor to call men up to serve. Men are created in such a way that they are willing to die for their women and children and brothers.

What Men and Women Fear Most

Men	Women
Fear of being held in contempt, disliked for who they are as a person.	Fear of being a doormat, unloved, especially if she chooses unconditional respect.

When the cycle triggers our fears, we may snap into our defenses of being critical or stonewalling our partner.

Here is how it translates:

Men hear criticism as contempt.

Women feel silence as hostility.

Who Makes the first move? Yes!

Does it matter, no. Don’t wait around for the other person. You make the change you are empowered.

Unconditional Respect has an ultimate goal: to get your husband to love you more.

Unconditional Love maybe difficult, but what better way to show the love of Christ to your wife.

The Golden Rule

“Women should respect men they way they want to be loved and men should love women they way they want to be respected. “

Remember to ask yourselves:

“Is what I’m about to say going to sound disrespectful/unloving?”

If you can see each other as an ally not an enemy you will win the war of the Crazy cycle.

This is NOT a tool to use against your spouse/friend/parent.

L&R is not about ‘feeling it’. It’s about standing on the truth of the scripture.

Obeying God’s word enables men and women to be powerful not powerless (in Christ.) We have an obligation to God’s word to move toward each other in unconditional love and respect in even amidst opposition.

How To Communicate L&R:

“That felt___________________________. Did I just come across as ___________________. Do need Love/Respect right now?”

Ideas:

Wives: Write your husband a letter about how much you respect him.

Men: In the midst of a conflict or moment where you feel disrespected, just hold her. Stop trying to make your point (earn her respect) and just hold her already!

A Rare Glimpse of the Rax

Our September

Hi All,

Yet another month has passed and Kevin and I are inching closer to a journey very much anticipated. For those of you that don't know what I am talking about, the 'journey' is moving to Toronto for a year to go to school. Woot!

The official start date is March 7th 2011, so by the beginning of March we will be on the road, in the air, then on the road again to Toronto. And needless to say we are both very excited!

September has been a wonderful month, filled with sweet memories, great experiences and some sad goodbyes.

The beginning of the month had Kevin and I score the privilege of having our good friend Josh, pass through and stay over night with us before leaving early the next morning to go to Florida. His ultimate destination is South Africa, however the 'work-perk' is having to touch base in Florida before moving on to his base outside Jo'berg. We are so sorry for you Josh! The night he stayed I made an Oven-Pancake which we have affectionately named 'The Josh'. It was beyond edible which is what any of could have hoped for :)

Shortly after Josh's departure, Kevin and I were blessed with a ticket to a local conference that had a host of great speakers. It was an unexpected blessing that gave us both some great insight into the stage in life we are at and hope for the future in our chosen path of ministry.

I have begun teaching wednesday mornings at our church a message on the Proverbs 31 woman. It has opened up some great debate and revelation for me and the other women who come along and is just a great opportunity for me to teach. I never thought I'd be a 'teacher' of any sort, yet it comes naturally and I actually love operating in an arena where I can share valuable insight and knowledge with others.

Toward the end of September Kevin and I travelled over to Nanaimo to visit the Paradis clan. Little Marc is growing fast and is at such a gorgeous stage, where he is actually responding to facial expressions and tickles. Kev and I hogged most of his time over the weekend, which hopefully he didn't mind! the other nephews, well, lets just say they are not as little anymore. But still adorable and super fun!

Finally after 9 months in process with immigration we received a letter the other week asking for my passport to finalize my status. And just as we speak, I received another letter and my passport, telling me that al I need to do now is go to an immigration office/border and sign the document and presto! I am a Canadian Resident!! Woohoo! Thank you Lord! Good times!

Other cool news, is that Kev landed whatr looks like a great job in restorations/renovations, and the possibility of a work truck in the future...oh yeah! And well, now that my status is almost finalized, I can get any job I want!! Wow, that's a cool feeling!

And as the pictures show, Kev and I are fighting...but for a purpose! As of this weekend, we are getting our Yellow Belts in Tae Kwon Do, after 9 months of learning, sparring and doing way too many push-ups, we get a colourful new accessory that means we can kick-butt, just a little better than before.

From the fun-filled ground suite of the Friesen's, we say 'we love you, be blessed!'

Kev and Ames

Augustus Aurelius

Hey Guys!

What a loooong month. So long that I forgot to even blog on time. Geesh!

Well, how has life been in the Friesen's world? Good, bad, tremendously boring or exceptionally stupendous? Let me ask my husband....

"Honey, how would you rate our month?"

"Awww-uh a nine. Maybe an 8.5."

There you have it. Captain has spoken. And as the first mate of our family I would second that statement.

So if it's deatils you're after I guess I could be so obliged as to humour you all with some treatsy morsels of the month. Actually I am typing itchy, as I just finished cutting Kevin's hair. Hold on....there, just wriggling around to avoid further itching.

The beginning of the month found us and a bunch of friends at Alice Lake camping for the weekend. Unfortunately the weather didn't stay bright and sunny ALL weekend and rained on us all day saturday! Of course Kev and I had the only leaky, old, beat up tent, which required hours of TLC from Kev as he created a canopy and waterproofing system which allowed us to have a dry nights sleep. Yay! If Aussie bushmen existed in Canada they would be called "Kev's". He truly is woodsy. It's wonderful.

Mid-month we took an extreme sports trip to Whistler with Wayne and Marilyn and went Zip-lining. Check out the video for an actual demonstration of us zipping through the treetops, attached to the end of this blog. It was a blessing to be able to go up and spend time again in nature with dear and treasured friends.

Outside of those larger scale events, we have been working, eating, sleeping, breathing, watching movies, playing chess, laughing, resolving conflicts, praying, singing, playing drums, learning piano and guitar, hanging with friends and advancing in Tae Kwon Do. Yes, we have also spent lots of time with Rax. Of course!

Here's Kev...

August has brought about some big changes with direction in life. We have been listening to God for some time, weighing back and forth the many different paths in which we (as a team) could take. Film, missions, school, travel, 9-5 at a desk job, construction, etc. And just when we felt the first step was to go back to Africa, God shifted the step ...like ten feet! And opened up the idea of going to school. But not just any school, oh no. In fact it is ministry school to prepare us toward becoming Pastor's. Wow!

I think the most interesting part of this is that I never saw it coming. Others apparently have but I sure didn't. How it even became a thought is when Amy and I started asking particular questions.

"What is it about renovations and counselling that we like so much?"

Seemingly different areas of life, yet the connection for us was that they both deal with taking something run-down and hurting and making it new, usable and more efficient (healed up). What could we do that involves 'restoration' to people? What could we do that gives us the opportunity to speak to people and reach their hearts, encourage them? What could we do that allows us to still work in film? The answer...Pastoring.

Now all that may make sense except for movies...but the truth is that you can still work in media and video ministry as a Pastor. And who says you can't make a movie? They did it at Sherwood Baptist Church in Georgia. Why not here? Films that rock for the Kingdom of God! (that was me, Amy saying that last sentence)

As for the last 10-15 years of stubbornly proud dreams and goals, trying to attain fame and fortune, well, lets just say it helped me get to where I am today. And for that I am grateful. So what lies ahead for the Friesen's? Possibly a few years of school and training and definitely some good times together working with our Heavenly Father.

Yep, it's the beginning of a journey that will establish us as a family unit, and plant our roots deep into God so that no matter where we go or end up in life we will have the faith to make it, the strength to take on the storms and the joy to overcome the hurdles of life. And really when you're with your best friend it doesn't matter what comes next, as long as you're together.

We love you all,

Until next month....

Kevin and Amy

So here is The video from us Zip-Trekking, Its kinda low quality because the higher quality one was taking way too long to upload. If you'd rather watch the higher quality video click on this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gU7YsqF0D10

The Other Side of July

Hello Friends and Family,

Kevin and I are pleased to be in the swing of summertime fun and frivolity after what seemed like the 'miry clay' prelude to the season.

For those of you that have been following, you will know that the past two months have not been smooth sailing due to a sprinkle of different things. However July has come and is on it's way out with a glorious 'Hallelujah!', as God has blessed us with a GOOD month. Not to say there hasn't been hiccups along the way but Kevin and I have both been excited to see the fruit of our labor emerge in July. We have overcome successfully, trials and challenges that before would have seemed monstrous. I have a greater sense of peace, strength and security within myself and with my husband and because of this am increasingly empowered to be myself and face life with courage, rather than fear.

Still in the throws of waiting for my Permanent Residency to clear, I am now unable to work until I get my status, which has been a tough pill to swallow! But, Kev and others keep reminding me it's for a short time and truly a time where I can sink my teeth into finishing our documentary, so desperately overdue in our minds.

So that is indeed on my schedule for the next few weeks, as well as being a spectacular wife and supporting my husband by holding up dry-wall for a current job. I know, it's astounding, and I didn't even break a sweat.

Adding to the excitement this month was a visit from the African Children's Choir to the Life Center, our local church. Kevin and I were among a bunch of families who volunteered to host the 21 children and their chaperones. We had Uncle Tony, a Kenyan native and Jonah and Rogers from Uganda, come and stay with us for two nights while performing in Vancouver. This particular choir is touring North America, and is the 35th African Children's Choir to go abroad. What an honour it was to hear them sing, it reminded Kev and I so much of Africa, and suddenly our hearts were full of love for the brothers and sisters we met in Mozambique, Tanzania and South Africa two years ago. We treated the kids and Uncle Tony to a Canadian pancake breakfast cook-up and they enteratined us with their supernatural drumming abilities (on floors, tables, anything!), and Uncle Tony taught Kevin how to play "Stand By Me" on the guitar. God truly puts special people in your path for many reasons and Uncle Tony was one of them. We talked for hours, once the kids were asleep, about his heart for mentoring young men in his nation and how it paralleled with ours. We shared stories of working in the media and the possibilities of uniting forces in the future, bridging nations, building relationships and so forth. It was unbelievably cool!

In the midst of all this Kev and I nabbed a quick 5 days away together to go camping and visit some dear friends, play in the lake and unwind. It was the raw, earthy experience we'd been needing to offer our souls and minds some quiet and rejuvenation. I came back sun-soaked and ready to begin all over again the daily grind we call home in Vancouver.

A surprise visit from the parents in Victoria, blessed us as they passed through on the way to a vacation in the Interior. Kev got to play them his first song on the guitar by U2! And Rax got an abundant smothering from Grandma...spoiled cat.

Angelica is doing astoundingly better fighting Leukaemia, and is powering through chemotherapy. Her hair has fallen out now, but the family made sure she was definitely not alone in this decision, as Mom, sister Xani, brother Josiah and one set of grandparents and two aunties have shaved their head also! Before the Culley Shaving Party began however, I finally got to take Xani, shopping for her birthday and boy did we score some sweet deals! Woot!

Kev and I have also convinced Suseh our worship leader at church and brilliant musician to teach us an instrument every Tuesday morning. The past 4 weeks have been guitar and Kev has blown us away with his au natural abilities. Now we're on to drums, which I can boast comes a little more fluently than guitar for me! And lets just say in ten years Kev and I may be famous in our very own band...yup, "The Friesees". Boom chuk boom chuk boom chuk. Just don't hold your breath too long!

There is also a whisper in the wind of the Friesen's moving east to go to school to become Pastors, listen closely in the weeks to come as more may be revealed.

Also, check out our Flikr Photostream for more monthly pics....you'll get to see Kev making his first pizza dough from scratch!

June in Pictures

Marilyn, chillin' with Rax



Kevin conquers Mt. Seymour!

The PODAH think tank.

Dress up 70's style!

Basketball with the Young Adults down at the river.

Just About June

Hello Everyone!

We began this sixth month of the year with an intense yet very rewarding ministry experience with two of our spiritual parents, Wayne and Marilyn. They traveled up from Olympia Washington in the USA to help another couple through the Restoring the Foundations Ministry and we were invited to observe the process as a step toward training to be RTF Minister’s ourselves. The kicker was that the couple training were Chinese and most of the sessions were in Mandarin! Thankfully there were translations throughout each session, so we could follow along easier. And we also got to pick up on a few words in Chinese as well – 谢谢 (shiay shiay) which is thank you.

This week long training was followed by a weekend training at our church the Life Center, an Issue-Focused Training, in which Kevin and I were certified to minister to others in small doses! One issue at a time! We’re working our way toward the bigger stuff gradually.

This month has also seen us through some more hard hits and storms, I’d say May led into a more intense month, and we’re both hoping July leads us out!

However through out the storms there has been progression toward destiny and steps in the right direction. We are able to see the character being built as we are tested in the storm and I would have to say that we have both become better swimmers.

Sadly June has presented not only trials in our immediate family but in the extended family of our community. Angelica Culley, our 13 year old quasi-niece was diagnosed two weeks ago with Leukemia. Not something any family can prepare for. During this time Patti her mother, also gave birth to the fifth member of the family Judah Zane Culley, and one of the cool things about it, was Gelli got to be in the same hospital as her mom, and was first to see her new baby bro.

Kevin chiming in here for a moment… I’d just like to say that June was not near warm enough for my liking and that if July doesn’t bring summer I may be inclined to uproot my family and move to Australia. I realize that it would be a big move but I mean seriously, have we ever had such a crappy June in Vancouver??? I’d also just like to say that I agree with Amy when she talked about the Month being tough but that we’ve found that we are better swimmers than we were 1 year ago. This is so true… I’ve found that recently we’ve been going through some of the toughest stuff, yet our responses to the tough times have shown me that both Amy and I have grown in our Character immensely. I’m glad that we’ve grown but I’m excited about having a little time off from all the stormy weather… in both our lives and the actual weather!!

Back to you my love…

On other topics of life, Kev and I got our Yellow-Stripes in Tae Kwon Do this month. Yep nearly Yellow Belts which will take us out of the extreme amateur league....finally! For those of you that haven't heard, the Friesens began Tae Kwon Do in March and have diligently been pursuing greater fitness and skill together. It's been a blast and definitely been way cool sparring together, learning new moves and having to do a sickening amount of push-ups, sitting crouches and planks.

We have also begun doing media at our church this past month with varying results, but it's a good step in the right direction. For two reasons - expanding on experience for ourselves in this area and opening up the door to the realm of media within our community, which can be a powerful tool of communication.

Well folks that's a wrap. Not a burrito.

Love Kev and Ames x