Love and Respect: Part Four

The Rewarded Cycle

The common fear to keep people from practicing the L&R connection is that it won’t work.

We fear that no matter how loving and respectful we are, that the other person will continue to be unloving or disrespectful.

1 Peter 3:6 “Do what is right, without being frightened by any fear.”

Don’t Give UP!!!! Trust God for it to work. Look for even the slightest improvements along the way. Just because it doesn’t seem to be working, doesn’t mean the seed is not growing. Have patient endurance. It may take time.

Read example pg 268-269

When It Simply Doesn’t Work, What Then?

What is your worst fear in marriage? As a husband isn’t it that you would show unconditional love and she would respond with contempt? As a wife, is not your worst fear that you would show respect and your husband is more unloving than ever?

When you love or respect unconditionally, you are following God and His will for you. Ultimately, your spouse and your marriage have nothing to do with it. You are simply demonstrating your obedience and trust in the face of an unloving husband or a disrespectful wife.

There is a Reward.

Eph 6:7-8 “Serve whole heartedly as if you were serving the Lord not men. Because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free.”

Paul is saying, that whatever we do as to the Lord, we will receive back from the Lord. In marriage, everything you do COUNTS, even if your spouse ignores you.

This is what the Rewarded Cycle is all about.

See diagram in handout on back.

The Eternal ‘Ahhhh’. Read excerpt page 272. Possibly read straight through 274.

Jesus is preparing us to hear “Well done!” Matthew 25:21

The ‘ahh’ experience is that diamond ring, check in the mail moment.

The greatest ‘Ahhh’ experience of your life is ahead.

Imagine getting to heaven and God saying…..

Page 273-274.

1 Corinthians 3:19 “What is wisdom to God is foolishness to the world.”

The world would say this is foolish, but we’re not of the world are we?

It’s About You and Jesus.

Sometimes I, Amy struggle with this concept of trusting and believing Jesus will have my back if I stop fighting for my right to love and give in to respect Kev. But, am I really believing in Jesus as my Lord and Savior, am I professing to be a woman of Faith? Am I truly following the word of God and letting it impact my life?

Emmerson believes that we don’t have a marriage crisis in the Christian world, but a faith crisis, for this exact reason I just shared.

The difference between successful couples/relationships and the unsuccessful ones is that the successful ones keep getting up and keep dealing with the issues.

Unsuccessful couples want it easy. They wan’t everything to be happy, with no conflict, they just want their needs to be met. This is unfortunately an immature attitude.

The mature husband admits he blew it.

The mature wife admits she disrespected again.

They work it out and move forward.

The Rewarded Cycle will deepen your love and reverence for Christ as you render love and respect to your spouse as unto him. Just like in the parable from Matthew 25:31-46, where Jesus said, ‘Whatever you do unto the least of these you do unto me.’

You can apply this basic principle by thinking: whatever I do to my spouse, I do to Christ as well.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse.

It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

You will fail at times, but it’s your love for Christ that will help you back up again. By envisioning that final judgment day when you will see Jesus face to face and are accountable to him for your life and marriage, you will be empowered to go beyond love and respect to just get your needs met, but to honor the Lord and the freedom he given you.

The Truth Will Set You Free, Indeed!

We’ve touched on the eternal component of Heaven a lot, but really – what about right now?

The Rewarded Cycle is the way to finding inner freedom and maturity of spirit.

The answer lies in the word: unconditional.

The key to the Rewarded Cycle is: unconditional love and respect.

First you must get to the place where you can say – ‘My response to my spouse is my responsibility.’

In our own marriage Kevin doesn’t cause me to be the way I am, he reveals the way I am.

Don’t get stuck playing the percentages game with your spouse or relationships. Even if the facts are that you’re only 5% in the wrong…it’s your 5% that matters to God. He holds you accountable for that 5% of wrong-doing.

Percentages is an easy way to get yourself off the hook, and once off the hook, you can’t mature spiritually.

A typical result is that you begin to feel like the victim. You begin to resent your spouse and others because they haven’t healed your hurts or comforted you,

Kill the victim before it kills you!

The only place you need to look to is the Lord who came to bind up our wounds and broken spirits.

This may be hard to accept, but nonetheless it will be truly emancipating to embrace this principle:

No matter how depressing or irritating my spouse may be, my response is my responsibility.

What’s Inside Will Come Out.

The Speck of Sand Analogy. Pg 285.

Your spouse can be an irritant, given. They may put expectations on you, pressures on you and the heat is on. In these moments you always face a choice: to react in a godly way or a sinful way.

You must remember to tell yourself, “I am a mature person with inner freedom and my choices are my responsibility.”

Another teaching that really helps this principle is Boundaries. We have referenced it on the last page.

And also RTF, really helps deal with the UGB’s that cause us to have victim mentality.

Inner freedom develops greater maturity.

As Jesus says in John 8:31-32 “if you continue in my word, then you are truly disciples of mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.”

What do Jesus’ words about freedom have to do with your marriage? Everything!

Jesus is not talking about some distant freedom for all society that you will witness from afar – He is talking about inner spiritual freedom from sin on a very personal level.

Regardless of the mess the people in your life choose to make, YOU get to be the one who chooses your response and embrace freedom. Accepting this scripture is a choice.

Kevin and I both have Godly Beliefs that are rooted in this principle of choice, responsibility and accepting Christ’s freedom.

Amy: I am not responsible for others choices, I am only responsible for my reactions and my choices. God will do the rest.

Kevin: I am not responsible for other peoples choices, I am only responsible for me and my choices.

I can experience hurt, but it’s my choice to hate.

Find a new belief system that will help you avoid being the victim and blaming others and empower you to depend on Christ and gain greater freedom in your life.

1 Peter 2:16-17 “Live as free men….show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood.” (NIV)

This scripture not only touches on the topic of inner freedom that we have spoken of, but of the freedom that comes when we love and respect each other, honoring God’s people.

There is only one-way to conquer contempt - Inner freedom.

Sometimes you have to go back to square one with God’s truth an walk it out in a new way that speaks to the season of life you are in.

How I walked out this scriptural truth, as a single woman in the Lord is far different to how I am being challenged now, as a married woman, to walk it through.

Inner Freedom rewards you with a Legacy.

Remember, someone is always watching! Be it your siblings, children, spouse, congregation, co-workers, God has appointed you to be the light and salt of the earth and where you go so does His spirit, ready to flood the darkness and empower those around you.

Don’t think as you begin to walk in His truth and follow His word, living unto Him, that you won’t cause a wake of impact on those around you, especially your children. As they see their mother or father respect and love as unto the Lord, especially in the face of adversity, they will be challenged and impacted to do the same. Wow! I know I want this desperately for my kids one day.

1 Timothy 4:12 “Set an example… in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity”

It’s never to late to say ‘sorry’ to those you have hurt or misled and to repent, and walk it out for the better with Jesus.

Pink and Blue can make God’s Purple.

You must know like you know, that God’s will is to see his children walk together in unity (this applies to every relationship we have… including those we have right here in our spiritual family) and for husband and wife to become one flesh. One flesh not two, not her mind and his physical strength – but one in body, soul and spirit. Whoa! That’s some big merging traffic right there. Especially if both lanes aren’t yielding!

Don’t forget the power of prayer. Knowing that God’s design is to have you both walk in unity, as you pray, he will give you wisdom to get to this place. Don’t be afraid to ask. You will not receive if you do not ask!