Love and Respect: Part Two

Love and Respect

The Energizing Cycle

Because the Crazy Cycle is always ready to spin, we need get ourselves on the Energizing Cycle and stay there!

The next two weeks are designed for husbands and wives, men and women to understand the unique needs that will help stop the Crazy Cycle and keep the Energizing Cycle spinning.

Take a look at the last page of your handouts and you will see a new diagram.

“His love motivates – Her Respect motivates…”

C.O.U.P.L.E: How to Spell Love to Your Wife

(Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty and Esteem.)

Let’s take a look at the word couple in and of itself first.

Couple means two people connected together. This is the key on how women view relationships.

Women want connectivity.

She wants to connect with you, and she approaches with that intention in mind.

The Problem: She confronts to connect. But He thinks she is confronting to control.

When the good-willed woman in your life is appearing negative and offensive she is crying out for C.O.U.P.L.E. In these moments your feelings may tell you she is being critical and disrespectful, but what she really wants is to connect and to have your love.

- Align yourself with God’s word and counsel and look to your instrument panel, which says C.O.U.P.L.E and you will energize your wife to respect you.

Proverbs 24:5 “…a man of knowledge increases power.”

You don’t have to become PINK to love the woman in your life.

It takes guts to say to your wife “I am sorry. Will you forgive me?”

Closeness

(She wants you to be close.)

“Therefore man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall become one flesh.” Gen 2:24

This scripture is full of insight. Your wife will feel loved when you move toward her and let her know you want to be close.

Women want Face-to-Face time = Heart-to-Heart time.

Being Involved____________________vs__________________Being Independent

Most women rest closer to the ‘Involvement’ side, whereas men rest closer to the ‘Independence’ side. There needs to be a balance.

You wouldn’t believe how taking 5 mins out of your day when you get home can set the tone for the rest of the night and create a more peaceful and relaxed environment. Five mins of quality time is better than a whole night of tension.

!!!You cannot motivate your spouse to give you what you need by withholding what they really need.

Luke 6:31 Treat your spouse as you would like to be treated.

Openness

(She wants you to open up to her.)

She longs for his love, which is experienced in her world by connecting openly with his heart.

Women are expressive-responsive.

Men are compartmentalized.

Light Circuit Analogy. Women are like the circuit of lights where one goes out they all go out. Men are different. If one of their lights go out it is only the one bulb that goes and the rest of the lights still work.

She is an integrated personality.

A wife’s crushed spirit is not hard to see. Her face tells it all. While men are more like poker players, hiding there emotions.

Wives see their husbands as mysterious ‘Islands’. She paddles around and around looking for a place to come ashore, but there is a fog holding them back. There is no place to land.

Women like to be up-to-date on a daily basis. Don’t take her ‘questions’ as prying, but as a way to share openness with you and be connected. You matter to her!

Beware of becoming embittered.

“Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.” Colossians 3:19

A bitter husband has no hope for openness with his wife.

Be careful not to be harsh with her. We can easily state our opinion in firm ways, thinking that it was totally fine, but what we just did was clamp down on her air hose and now she can’t breathe.

Understanding

(Don’t try to ‘fix’ her, just listen.)

1 Peter 3:7 advises husbands, “Live with your wife in an understanding way.”

See this verse through the lens of How to have Empathy for your Wife.

Women are not the weaker gender as some may bristle over in this verse, however they are vulnerable to men in two areas:

1) When a man fails to try and understand her

2) When you dishonor her by treating her as less than equal.

How Can you Understand Her??? Just listen. Don’t fix.

Ask: “Do you need a solution or my ear?”

Men communicate for one reason… to exchange information. Why else would we communicate? When a woman “just wants to talk” for no reason at all, we become suspicious.

A wise husband is “quick to listen, slow to speak.” James 1:19

Setting aside time for your wife/woman in your life, is a MUST!

Women love to talk to release their emotions – let off steam. This helps her process.She also needs to ‘talk’ to realize their feelings. Men can compartmentalize – she must verbalize to sort through her emotions.

Peacemaking

(She wants you to say, “I’m sorry”.)

Without peace in the relationship she doesn’t feel close. She can’t be fully connected.

However God scripturally intended there to be some conflict in marriage.

The ‘sparks’ of conflict are always going to be there, but how we handle them is the question. Will you let a wildfire rage out of control and burn down your house, or will you maintain a controllable fire that heats the house and makes things warm?

As you move toward her to solve a problem, you become close (heart to heart) – this is very precious to her.

Whenever wives get ‘historical’ it’s because they are trying to clear the air of past issues, promote peace and understanding between you.

If you say “Let’s just drop it”, a woman is likely to think that you are secretly still angry with her and that the issue is still really unresolved. Without any resolution it can be difficult for her to be happy.

Wives melt when men say, “I’m sorry.” It may be hard for us to say sometimes but this is the fastest way to her heart when there is conflict. Men worry that by saying this we will lose respect. We have to trust that as we give this need of reconciliation to our wives in love that they will in turn show us the respect that we desire.

Romans 12:18 “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.”

1 Peter 5:6 “Put yourselves under God’s mighty hand and he will honor you at the right time.”

Short course on peacemaking…

1) Have confidence in your loving demeanor. Proverbs 15:1 a gentle loving answer turns away wrath… (especially your wife’s)

2) Don’t blame her. Actually take part of the blame.

Loyalty

(She needs to know you are committed.)

A woman loves to hear her husband exclaim, ‘You alone are my love!” Song of Solomon 2:10

She wants reassurance of his love. And she MUST have it be available to her.

She’s a one-man woman, and he’s a ….? Sometimes she’s unsure of your faithfulness.

The ‘Dave Smith’ example… Well, Dave Smith down the street got a promotion… and he bought his wife a new car… and he lost 20 lbs… and blah, blah, blah. Wouldn’t this story make you feel disrespected and unappreciated. It’s the same when we look at the swimsuit world and wish she was a little more… whatever!

It’s very difficult for women in today’s pornography riddled world. She looks at the world through her pink glasses, much differently than you do with your blue glasses.

When she is assured of his love and loyalty, she is energized and motivated.

Are you being as loyal as you could be? Malachi 2:15-16 “Don’t break your promise to the wife you married when you were young. ‘I hate divorce’ says the Lord God.”

Esteem

(She wants you to honor and cherish her.)

1 Peter goes on to say that Husbands should also treat their wives with understanding so that their “prayers will not be hindered.”

(If your prayer life is not going well, maybe consider how you are treating your wife!)

The way to honor your wife is to treasure her. God has made women to want to be cherished, respected and esteemed.

She wants to know that she is on your mind and heart first and foremost.

Men can never show a women the amount of emotional openness and esteem that a woman really wants but symbolism is a great way to try and bridge the gap.

Use symbolism to show esteem to a woman. E.g. Roses convey you value her.

Birthday’s and anniversaries are a big deal to most women, so use this as a great way to win the heart of your wife and show her esteem!

A meaningful walk can be better than a new Mercedes!

Remember… She wants to know that you would take the time to try and figure out where she wants to go for dinner, because that’s what she would do for you. Don’t be agitated by this but instead try to offer up a few options that you really think that she might like.

Thank her for all that she does! Appreciate her for what she does but don’t overlook cherishing her for WHO she is!